I am here to hate

 I’d feel bad for not writing for so long, but what’s there to feel bad about? Our world is burning, our lives are ending, and our souls are yearning.

What a dark start for an update, although I’ve been doing well.

It’s been so long, and the last time I wrote something, it was my birthday. I kept contemplating what to write about; I had too much going on but also nothing at the same time, until now: my laptop broke, I have no decent phone, and an aching stomach begging me not to hold in a cry.

I don’t even know why I want to cry.

So I’ll start with the boy I met, fell for, and then kept leaving and running away from, until I realized it was a lost cause. I wouldn’t say I fell in love, but it was quite a connection—I keep falling for agnostics and atheists. My hatred for the society surrounding me keeps getting me into situations with idiots like him. And to be quite honest, I don’t feel bad about what happened. I guess this is the moment I’ve been waiting for for a long time: I am so deeply in love with who I am, and my own growth and potential, that I don’t even doubt whether I was the unlovable one.

I always told my friends: some people, or most people, aren’t supposed to be in our lives forever. I mean, if you consider death, no one is permanent. I believe some are sent for brief periods, while others are sent for longer—whether to teach us a lesson, to make us feel bad, or to make us feel better. That person leaves eventually, and we learn to be okay with it. I mean, we could mourn them, but at the end of the day, we’re by ourselves by default, so we learn to live with ourselves over time.

So besides that, I’ve reached a new level of misandry. I think I’ll be fine hating men; I mean, they did it for thousands of years. I could point a finger at why I am not okay, though. It’s the world. I don’t like it. I am waiting for it to end—and no, I am not talking about my world or ending my life. On the contrary, I actually can’t wait for mine to start.

I just can’t help but feel sad every time I observe it. I could tell you forever how much I want to leave my life here behind, and how much I hate this environment, this country, the culture, the town, the people, and the mindsets. But I can’t deny that I’ll always feel like that, anywhere.

I just do not like this world and everything that comes with it. My awareness and curiosity led me to develop a so-called pessimistic ability to see the bleeding cracks of the world at every moment of my day.

I know they say happiness is a form of protest, but I hate consumerism. I hate how people make me feel bad for finishing my food. I hate how I feel like the sun is going to burn this earth one day. I hate how ants can’t find a way back to their homes. I hate how cows cry for their mothers. I hate promises. I hate the so-called fast world when it’s painfully slow for the poor, and I hate poverty. I hate not having a choice. I hate the male gender. I hate having the responsibility and painful weight of having a uterus. I hate everything, and I hate capitalism.

I wired my brain to fall asleep watching Recess because it’s such a clever and comforting cartoon, until I stumbled upon an episode where the janitor had the opportunity to work for NASA and many other cool jobs that could have made his life easier, but he eventually decided to stay a janitor because, at the end of the day, math is his hobby, and if he does it for a living, what would his hobby be?

And I know I shouldn’t be raging about that, but I can see how capitalism was taught to Americans from such a young age. That was such a capitalistic point of view, because in what world is choosing to work in something you hate a good thing? 

2026 feels like pure slavery, and if i ave to describe it; i am loosing my passion for life.

I keep realizing that I am awfully aware, and it’s killing me. Twenty-two is nearing its end, and I keep hearing about twenty-three. However, I don’t care about age anymore when I already feel like a divorcée. All I want is to rest, and I genuinely don’t know how.