Weeks of heaven : decenter what doesn’t matter

 You know that one friend whose only relationship advice is to leave? That’s me. Except, I’m more filtered if I don’t know enough lore about you.

For the last month—and in just six days—I had more than three girl friends venting about dating, how hard it is to balance it with their normal life, and how cheating is basically as frequent as oxygen.

One question that makes me want to keep my thoughts to myself sometimes is: What would you do if you were in my situation?

And honestly, girl, I would have never put myself in your situation in the first place. That sounds offensive unless we’re really close, so I have to soften it verbally. But the truth is: a boy you’re dating in your early 20s is not someone you should stress about to the point it affects your physical health. That’s a red line.

You may laugh and joke about it now, thinking it’s just a small situationship or a pastime until you find what you really want. But that small situationship could be the open door to self-destructive behaviors in the future.

I say this as someone who’s been there—just once—and quickly realized that we treat being in a relationship, being in love, and constantly being tied to someone as if it’s a task to complete. Like it’s something we should always have, something we need to work for to be “ready” when the right one comes. I’m truly not judging you.

But in those six days, it became clear to me that I was on the right path. And, true to the reputation I’ve built on this blog, I turned out to be right again. I actually wonder how much hate I’d get if I had an audience that considered me out of touch.

By the second week of February, I was living life as it is—taking notes on small things around me, reminding myself to appreciate the privilege of education and many other blessings. The early mornings, the long walks, the bus and train rides—even the horrendous metro rides—started to feel fun again. I was already enjoying this year of college. All the things I used to love as a kid but grew to hate over time started to grow back on me, out of nowhere. And by the third week, I had ticked more things off my bucket list than I had in my entire life.

In my 21 years, I’ve had ups and downs—almost like a bipolar cycle—but none felt as peaceful and slow as this. I wasn’t worried about what’s next. The brain fog was gone. My memory was improving. My awareness of bad food habits became more serious. I wasn’t relying on random hyperfixations just to function like a human being.

By the third week, I stumbled upon a letter I wrote to myself in 2023, addressed to my 2024 self. One of the things I wrote was: I want you to really work on getting better and having quality sleep. Decenter what doesn’t matter from your life. It was a long list, but that part stood out. When I wrote decenter what doesn’t matter, I was thinking about men. About how romantic love consumed 90% of me, to the point that I lost focus on my actual life.

And let me tell you this: I’m not saying don’t love, don’t date, don’t engage with men. I’m asking you not to force it on yourself when you don’t need it. It’s like someone going bankrupt and still looking for debt to “help” themselves.

A relationship is not going to save your life. It’s not going to fix you if you’re drowning in life and unaware of it. It will only make things worse.

Your older sister telling you not to date in high school? She was right. Your mother telling you it’s the phone? It is the damn phone. Your father telling you to sleep at night and be active during the day? He was right. I hate that I didn’t listen to them, but I adore that I realized this before it was too late.

Discipline is what I needed all along—not just in terms of health, but in romance too.

Please take care of yourself. Trust your gut when it tells you someone isn’t good for you. Have faith in yourself. Accept that you’ve made mistakes so you can give yourself time to grow.

These are the unfiltered things I tell my girls when they ask for advice, and it’s what I’m telling you tonight: take care of yourself. Dating the wrong person may be a good lesson, but that lesson could destroy your perception of life. I know girls at 25 who have chosen to stay at home, doing absolutely nothing, because dating so much at a young age drained them of everything. It’s actually sad how normalized it is to strip yourself of trust and emotions for people you know you’re not going to end up with.

I know I’m right because the peace I have at 22 is something most of my generation hasn’t even tasted. I know I lean toward hyper-independence, and I try so hard not to fall into the exhausting side of it. But don’t worry about me.

To every hopeless romantic girl out there: I love you. I pray that you pour all of that love into the right cups. I worry about you, and I wish you well.