21 in the Afternoon

This is gonna be another blog I wrote not knowing how I should finish. I recently said that I am trying to accept that not everything has a conclusion and some things aren't supposed to make sense to us immediately. Embracing uncertainty is finally growing on me. This is me trying. I am actually trying. My comfort zone is bigger than it sounds, and the distance toward the end of it is still blurry to me. And just so you know, I am currently listening to Taylor Swift. "This Is Me Trying" would be a better fit, but I am not in a mood to cry, so I am listening to "Cardigan" because it's not relatable, and it's soothing me. Nothing gets you at times like white women music does. It recently dawned on me that I am closer to having to find a job than to kindergarten, which is actually not a realization but a fact I did my best to ignore and not think about once. I am someone whose primary fear is losing control. The third year of college is approaching, and I a...

December 30, 2024.  I, Zahra, sat down and wrote a New Year’s resolution list.  If you'd told me a year ago that I’d be writing a New Year’s resolution list, I would’ve dismissed it as something people use to procrastinate on what they need to do.  I totally believed I was above it all "raw-dogged" every year, expecting miracles. Looking back, that mindset explains why I have so many unfinished hobbies and projects.  I hate that I convinced myself I understood life and was better than people who actually tried to get their shit together. It’s like I was trying to impress some imaginary "cool people" in my head—people who didn’t even exist.   This realization hit me while I was rewinding the year’s highlights in my mind, which honestly wasn’t a bad exercise. I’ve taught myself to appreciate every moment, even the horrific ones. Without that mindset, I would've lost my mind. I was in a cab on my way somewhere, listening to the radio, when someone said, "...