This is what I've Learned About Men Without Getting Laid

When reading my blog, half the people think I need an exorcism, and the other half think I need to get laid.

Honestly, I agree with both.

But getting laid isn’t on the table.

It’s why giving blue balls to men was my expertise for a long time.

Now, I’m not here to claim that I’m the ultimate authority on relationships or intimacy. As a virgin, it’s fair to say I shouldn’t be handing out advice.

However, growing up around people with all kinds of beliefs—some conservative, others liberal—and quietly observing the chaos, I’ve developed a certain understanding of the sexual human experience and men in general.

Add to that my evolution from a quiet observer to an extrovert.

You might think it’s bold of a 21-year-old virgin to make these claims, but hear me out. I may lack personal practice, but I’ve seen enough to share a few truths about what you might expect when it comes to relationships, men, and yes, getting laid.

You probably expected tonight’s blog to be a follow-up to my recent emotional post. Honestly, so did I. But rereading what I wrote reminded me of something way more disappointing about men.

Before we start you need to understand one thing: being single is a choice for most women, there is no such thing as she can't get a man. A man is the easiest thing to get, it's getting the right man where we get lost. 

Same thing applies for getting laid. 

I am someone who is hypersexual by nature but has successfully avoided crossing lines during my wilder teenage years. Still, I can say my curiosity has led me to gather more than enough “data” on the male species to start understanding their patterns, behaviors, and flaws.

When you’ve spent your life observing every kind of man out there, you start to notice patterns. And trust me, I’ve noticed enough. Yet, despite this vast “knowledge,” here I am: not fucked. So tonight, let me break down every category of man I’ve encountered and why the majority of them convince me to stay virgin and single.

Guys with loud cars... Not to be confused with guys with nice cars. I’m talking loud, colorful, Instagram-feed cars. Not your friend, that's all I’m going to say.

Podcasters/Streamers... Either you’re in for the best time of your life, or you’ll end up by the door in 2.5 seconds wondering what the tingly thing between your legs was. No in-between.

Engineers, Doctors... Very, very dependent. It’s still blurry to me how to tell.

Chefs... I know they're horny 24/7!

Finance guys... Oh, they FUCK. I know they’re overhyped, but trust me, there’s a reason behind it. Most of them live up to it.

Footballers... Big NO, especially here in Tunisia. Serial cheaters, and the number of stories I’ve heard about them being caught with men is shocking. The straight ones? Equally disappointing. Their knowledge of female anatomy is as empty as their knowledge of anything outside football.

Your Professor/Teacher... Listen, I don’t care if you’re legal and above 18. If you’re getting the “I want you” vibes from your professor, chances are you’re not the only one, and if you weren’t legal, he would’ve done the same exact thing to a minor. I know it sounds SEXY, but you don’t want that, I swear. There’s a reason they’re not pursuing women their age or in the same powerful positions they’re in. I’m not even going to mention the list of high school teachers I know stuff about because that’s a whole other scandal. DO NOT FUCK YOUR TEACHER.

Theater kids... Oh, they’re good. Theater kids treat sex like a hobby, and they’re very good at their hobbies. The best part is that it’s usually non-judgmental and insecurity-free.

Older men... By “older,” I mean 45-60. There’s a misconception that older men lose their spark, but it depends on the person. If they’re motivated—especially in a committed relationship—they’ll surprise you. That said, your ideal range is probably 25-35 for the best balance of energy and experience.

16 to 24... Very experimental.

Gamers... Enjoy those two seconds while they last.

Bankers... This doesn’t apply to all white-collar workers, but in Tunisia, most bankers are nasty. I’m not talking about our parents’ generation, but the majority of bankers today are socially and sexually disgusting. Growing up, I’d often visit my mom at her bank job, and let me tell you, the snobbiness and entitlement of these men were unreal. Their spark is long gone, and I don’t see it coming back.

Politicians... Prepare for a wild ride: new fetishes every day, public humiliation from their affairs, and a high chance they’re closeted.

Royalty... No idea, but I hear about those Ottoman descendants and Beys that are left here in Tunisia—snacks.

Turkish... Forget the Turkish dramas. The reality is hit-or-miss. Some friends came back from Turkey with average stories, but one had a mind-blowing experience I’ll share someday. I’m visiting next year, so I’ll keep you updated. Balkan men are almost identical to North African men.

Again, this is pretty messed up for a 21-year-old virgin to say, but I’ve lived many lives, and it’s all I know. I can’t wait for the day I finally discover what dick really feels like.

Now, you might wonder how some women can tell if a guy is worth hooking up with or not. I genuinely believe it’s a skill you develop by interacting with men and learning how they operate.

I know someone out there is going to tell you, “BDE isn’t real, and you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.”

Listen to me: not only should you judge that book, but you should also know that every single man is an open book—you just have to learn how to read. It takes time, but it’s necessary.

Here’s the perfect example. Some of you may know from recent blogs (I hope) how much I enjoy podcasts. I find it pretty intimate to share my favorites because it reveals a lot about me. But tonight, I’m sacrificing that for the sake of educating you on BDE.

Two words: Will Neff.

I’m a simple girl like many others. When watching the Fear& podcast, the first person your eyes land on is Hasan—and that’s valid. That’s literally how I got into watching streamers. But as you keep watching and start enjoying the podcast (and that whole friend group’s content, honestly), you realize who really has the most character: Will.

Then, you open your eyes to how attractive this man is. First and foremost, physically, he looks like a Greek god. If someone can pull off long hair, short hair, brunette, and blonde—that’s already too much power. And Will pulls off something 90% of men (including Hasan) can’t: no beard. Add his pretty normal but good sense of style.

Will Neff has the personality of the “dad friend,” but he also feels like someone you’ll never fully figure out. I haven’t even watched much of his content, but the man just looks like he has interesting hobbies. And trust me, the more hobbies a man has, the better the dick is.

Let’s not forget the important part: safety. As someone who has felt unsafe around men from a young age, I’ve developed a way of reading male body language. I’m not talking about whether they want to fuck you—I mean whether they’re safe to be around. It’s the way he listens, the way he talks to women, whether he’s faking it, how he carries himself, and what his hands do when women are around—Will Neff.

AND he has a gorgeous, interesting girlfriend, and they’re in a long-term, committed relationship. That makes him even hotter.

I’m telling you—BDE.

I don’t want to turn this blog into a fangirl page, but it’s the truth.

I’ve never been around that kind of energy before. Adding to that, I live in one of the smallest countries in the world, where everyone knows everyone. Even though I’ve been pretty good at self-control, I haven’t exactly been tested, and I’m not sure it would hold up around that kind of man.

Like I said, religion keeps me sane.

That brings me to my last point: how to approach men?

Honestly, if someone is giving you rules on that, they’re rooting for your end—there’s no recipe.

First, you’re asking the wrong question. It’s not about how to approach them but how to make them approach you. Second, it depends a lot on you as a person. Pretty privilege plays a part, sure, but so do your skills—how you give signals and carry yourself.

To develop that radar, you unfortunately have to interact with men. Experience is important—not just to understand them, but to figure out what you like and don’t like.

AGAIN: These are lighthearted observations, not hard-and-fast rules. Take them with a grain of salt, I’ll keep observing, learning, and sharing my take—flaws and all.

And this, people, is the most shameful blog I’ve ever written. It’s an open space for you to judge me because honestly, me too.