Every Blessing I Forgot to Count

I've spent the last week thinking about what my next blog should be about. It’s not like I ran out of ideas—I never do. I just had too many ideas piled up on me.
It’s currently 7 PM, and New Year’s Eve is approaching.

I’ve been thinking about how gentle but also gut-wrenching life is, how it gives and takes at the same time, and finally, how okay I am with it at this stage and age.

It all started when I was grabbing a cab after leaving the library and came face to face with Phabian. For the first time in the longest time, it didn’t feel awkward to say hi. I realized how much we’ve grown up since graduating high school, and for the first time after three long years, Phabian offered to wait with me, just like he always did.

In that moment, I realized my decision to move on silently from between him and Miranda was right—no grudge, no gossip, only pure, good memories.

Our interaction took me back to a conversation I had with my cousin. I was having a bad day, and she asked me what I would do if I got cheated on. I replied, “Obviously, I would leave.” She told me it seems easy to talk, but when you’re the one experiencing it, it’s hard to leave something you’ve built for years on trust.

Her take was real, except I truly believe I wouldn’t be the type to stay for free. So I said, “If I ever get cheated on, and my kids weren’t old enough to understand what’s happening, and by some miracle I decided to stay, I’d either make him buy me my monthly weight in gold or make him watch me cheat on him with someone close to us without him being allowed to say a word for a whole year. Then we could pick up our marriage where we left off.”

The room went silent for six seconds before she said, “I always knew you were a man-hater, but not this much. I wonder why?”

I hated how much I hated that statement. I couldn’t recognize myself, and I felt as if I buried the lover girl in me too deeply, to the point I became seen that way. I should’ve been proud, right?

I spent the next few days thinking about every factor that contributed to my hatred and pettiness toward men. None of it seemed unreasonable; every moment of it made sense. But it also felt so lonely.

Little old me got the best of me. So I did the usual—I visited old Wattpad fictions to distract myself from the black hole I was falling into.

I broke down in tears when I stumbled upon a chapter where the male character was talking about his feelings for the woman he loved to his childhood ex. The scene begins when he meets her after many years for closure because he feels old guilt toward her is holding him back from moving on with his current love.

In that moment, I realized the actual deal.

Real, non-fictional men don’t operate like that—not on closure, guilt, or feelings. I’m not saying men can’t be empathetic; I’m saying most don’t develop or express empathy the way we do. Looking back, I realized the image of men I had in my head was shaped by the stories I escaped to since I was little. When I got exposed to reality, my mind crashed. It’s why I built that shield.

It wasn’t my first time realizing this; it just hit harder in that moment because I felt like I was facing my old self. I tried so hard not to make her feel guilty for trying to fix issues with what she had and what she thought was right.

Seeing Phabian the next day was like a soft breeze reminding me it’s fine. Phabian wasn’t always the best friend to me, but he was the guy who made me feel like good guys still exist. He was empathetic, loving, and caring to most of his friends, even the ones who didn’t appreciate it. He was the guy us girls opened up to in our friend group because we never felt judged, sexualized, or exposed. He understood how to be good to women, and he did.

And the best part? He loves Miranda like no one else does. Since the day he laid eyes on her, he never looked back and made it his mission to give her the best relationship he could. That’s why I’m still sure they’ll have their happy ending.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying one of my New Year’s resolutions is to find a reason to like men or to lower my standards. I’ve just made a small note in the back of my head—a reminder to calm down.

I went on with my day, got home to change, and later met my girlfriends for dinner.

It felt like an elephant had lifted its foot off my chest. I was surrounded by the people who had been there for me every single day of 2024. We had our worries and struggles, and at times it felt like we’d never make it through, but together, we eventually did.

Maeve and Jasmine, you’re my backbone. I hope you know there will never be a day when I don’t think about you. There will never be a world I’d choose to live in without you.

I’ve always understood the importance of a good family, having been raised in one. But creating another family outside of it with my girls has made life so much easier for me. I hope I’ve been the kind of friend you never second-guess reaching out to.

This weekend, my family and I visited some friends who live by the coast. While I was there, I had a moment of clarity: I decided it’s my life goal to buy a beach house one day, far away from the capital—I never want to see it again.

Then we got back home to my grandparents, to whom I owe every good second of my childhood.

I owe myself credit for handling every moment of this year with care and approaching every situation with my mental health in mind.

And lastly, I owe God for every blessing I have now and have always had.

Happy New Year to my nonexistent audience. ♡